Unarmed On The Battlefield
by strawberrymacchiato
Summary: She tried to understand it, why she kept going after Rachel out of everyone else, why it was only her who she had to reduce to tears, her who she had to humiliate to the point of breakdown. But then one day, the metal plating began to fall away, and it was just Quinn and Rachel, standing together in an ordinary bathroom, and Quinn was tired of fighting the war. One-shot.


The corridors are all but deserted except for an elderly woman who hobbles forward. She doesn't know how she got here, but that doesn't matter. She's been here before. Each step she takes brings her closer to her destination. Her tired, red eyes focus on the doorknob just a few metres away, and her wrinkled hand catches it before she falls. The gears turn slowly. As the door opens, the same chill of familiarity sweeps through her, and she pushes herself ahead, and back through time.

She takes in the toilets and whips her head around to make sure the mirrors and sinks are still there. Sighing with relief, she looks at her watch to note the time, and smiles. She isn't late. So it can't hurt to make sure she's looking her best. She always has to look her best for Rachel.  
Her hair looks a bit ruffled. Can't have that. She pulls out a small comb nestled in her front shirt pocket and pulls it through long blonde strands. She probably should have caught a taxi instead of a bus, but the latter involved speaking with the driver, and she didn't want them to catch onto her. Lately, everyone treated her like she was mad, but she knew that no one could have stayed sane for long living in a home with a bunch of old people. She was eighteen years old for heaven's sake! She had a life!  
Laughing to herself, she suddenly presses her hand against the cold, tile wall, because she has to catch her breath, but as she touches it a shiver runs through her body. When her eyes face the mirror this time, the reflection looks angry. Deep green eyes flash back at her, censuring, disapproving silently of her decision to come here, because she doesn't belong here anymore. Her hand flies to her chest. It tightens and her eyes flutter shut as a way of apologising, but then the flood begins again.

It's almost like she's watching a movie. There's a young girl with blonde long hair, done up in a tight ponytail waving around pom poms. She`s very pretty. But she seems to be very angry about something. Oh, she's probably upset at the girl with brown hair a few feet away from her because she`s talking to a young man. He must be her boyfriend.

_Get away from him, freak._

Her cold voice ruins her beautiful features. It's such a shame. The girl with brown hair stills. She seems to be trembling in fear, but looks back up at her anyway.

_I'm not a freak, Quinn._

Quinn? What a peculiar name for a girl. Quinn scoffs at the girl and loops her arm around the young man.

_Keep telling yourself that, Berry._

She marches away and the girl named Berry watches on sadly. She pulls out a scrunched up bit of paper from her cardigan and begins reading what's on it.

_You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here_

For some reason, she feels like she shouldn't be watching this. It's like she's interrupted a private moment never intended for her viewing. And yet, the vision of the girl reassuring herself in that tremulous voice seems to destroy any sense of shame. What replaces it is unexpected. The girl begins to walk away into darkness, but just as quick another scene bursts into life.

_Aww, how sweet. She 'aspires to be just like Barbra'. __Get real, yentl!_

A girl with an olive complexion moves forward with a scrunched piece of paper in one hand, and an icy drink clutched in the other. She's hovering over somebody; they're crouched down submissively, trying to protect their head, but then there's laughter and Quinn emerges from behind.

_Let me do it, Santana, I don't think she'll ever stop believing in that crap._

Somebody's heart churns with guilt, bile threatens to spill, but Quinn moves forward obliviously. The girl named Santana backs off, dropping the piece of paper and muttering something to another blonde-haired girl, and then they're both gone. It's just Quinn now. Quinn and-

_Quinn please don't._

The familiar voice says in a whimper. Somewhere a dam breaks, but Quinn doesn't hear and leans forward with the drink.

_Don't what, Berry?_

The girl removes her shaking arms from above her head and dares to open her eyes. It's wrong when Quinn smiles at her, because that isn't a nice smile, and it's even more wrong when she empties the contents of the drink all over her head, because apparently she gets a kick out of it. Quinn leaves her there, and the ice feels so cold. It clings to her eyelids and it stings so hard she thinks her brain switched off and won't wake up again, but she manages to strain her eyes open and catches sight of the piece of crumpled paper abandoned on the floor.

_And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should_

She shuts her eyes and there's this swallowing feeling that is all-consuming, because life isn't fair and she doesn't understand what she did wrong. What did she do to deserve being treated like garbage? It's already getting dark and fuzzy and the next flash is coming, but someone needs to be there for her, she can't be left alone like this.  
That Quinn girl just doesn't make sense. It's flat out confusing that she insists on going out of her way to punish the Berry girl, because really, _Quinn _is the one who deserves a big slap on the face.  
Someone needs to pull the Berry girl into a tight hug, and tell her everything's going to be alright, but then, there's a flash and Quinn and the Berry girl are alone again, shouting and screaming at one another inside a bathroom.

_Just quit it, ok? Just because you're the most popular girl in the school, it doesn't give you the right to treat me like this!_

_Says who, Rachel?_

Rachel...but she wasn't the same Rachel she had fallen in love with. No, this must have been some other girl.

_Says me, Quinn! I'm not your plaything! I have feelings, real feelings and I'm tired of you acting like they don't exist!_

She's huffing with rage but the words pour out of her mouth uncontrollably. This part of the movie physically hurts for some reason. There's a rush and someone's heart beats faster and then the most unexpected thing happens.

_And if you expect me to just keep sitting back and taking it, well you're wron-  
_

For a moment Quinn seems confused, like she's looking at an extra-terrestrial being or something. But what is even more confusing, is that Quinn suddenly leans in and doesn_'_t stop. Her lips are connected with Rachel_'_s. They_'_re kissing.

Two girls are kissing?

A feeling of splendour springs up from nowhere and soothes an unquenchable ache, deep inside the pit of her stomach. Rachel's hand surges forward to push her away, and she's furious because no one ever seems to ask her for permission before they kiss her, but Quinn pulls her arms down and deepens the kiss until Rachel forgets why she was so mad and instead of pushing her away, she's trying to pull her even closer.

_It's unnatural._

The voice echoes loudly around the walls and pierces through Quinn's brain, making it hurt.

She breaks the kiss.

Then she freaks out, screaming into Rachel`s face and batting her away.

_What are you doing? Get off me!_

Rachel looks stunned. Her arms fall to her sides and she purses her lips to hold back the tears. She trembles when she speaks.

_Quinn I__'_m so sorry-but you just-

_No you__'_re not! No you_'_re not! You_'_e sick!

Quinn runs away. It feels like someone is scraping away at her heart with a shovel. Like the whole world is suddenly watching her fall and laughing. Because deep down she knows it's not Rachel's fault at all.

Another scene filters through, and it's Rachel, smiling up at that boy again. Quinn watches from the distance, tapping her pen on her desk, unconsciously speeding up the pace whenever she pats his arm and he grins foolishly in response, and trying to suppress the feeling of rage she gets when the boy presses a kiss to Rachel's cheek. She completely misses it when Rachel's eyes dart over towards her-just for a second-with what looks like longing.

And then she feels the shovel again, scraping, scraping harder and harder until she's bleeding inside. She watches them, smiling and laughing together, watches how Rachel is singing sweetly to him, allowing him to take her into his embrace, but really he's just clutching at her, taking her away, further and further away and forever out of Quinn's reach, and inside Quinn something almost dies.

There's a sharp pain somewhere near her chest, and the next scene flashes-they're in the bathroom again.

Quinn is yelling at her for taking her boyfriend away from her. Rachel has her head down.

_But you guys broke up. Can't you just let it be, Quinn?_

_No, Rachel, because this is supposed to be my happy ending, not yours! You don't get to take that away from me! Finn doesn't belong to you so stop acting like he does!_

_Quinn I'm not taking anything away from yo-_

_Yes, you are! You only care about yourself! _

_That's not true._

_But you know what, Rachel? You're not gonna make it, because your dreams are too big for your own good. You can't have Finn and go to New York. You gotta pick one._

_Quinn that isn't fair._

Quinn's face softens for a millisecond but then she hardens again, stepping closer menacingly.

_You love him, right?_

Rachel steps back, mouth quivering.

_I...I-._

_It's either yes or no, Rachel. Which one is it?_

Rachel swallows as Quinn looms over her, her threatening glare not releasing its hold, not missing a single beat.

_I l-love-_

Quinn stops her. She connects their lips together for the second time, sighs into Rachel`s mouth like she`s her life-support, and runs a shaking hand over her hair, threading her fingers through it helplessly. Then Rachel finally responds and pushes back into her.

_It`s unnatural, Quinnie._

The voice brings her to her senses.

Quinn rips herself away and stares at her angrily, trying to control her breathing.

_You love him. _

Is the only thing she can say before she turns to run, leaving Rachel to slump down onto the cold floor.

It's a few days later and they're all singing in a room together. Rachel's voice is outstanding and when she reaches the chorus of her solo, she smiles briefly at Quinn, who frowns in response.  
It feels like a lie. It's like Quinn wants to smile back but there's an unwritten law that says she can't. She thinks it's sick that she secretly hopes Rachel will see through her, so she prays that she doesn't.

But Rachel always has a way of getting too close for comfort.

Everything goes blurry and Rachel is cornering her in the cheerleader's lounge, full of demands that she likes to call 'unresolved questions'.

_Why didn't you let me finish what I was saying?_

_Because I knew what you were going to say, anyway._

_What are you talking about?_

Quinn sighs in exasperation.

_Are you both stupid and a freak?_

Rachel crosses her arms and doesn't budge.

_Ok, Rachel. It's no secret that you're obsessed with Finn, so why don't you just admit it!_

_But I'm not!_

Quinn laughs.

_You astound me, you know that? Not only are you unhealthily obsessed with my ex-boyfriend, but you're just so deep in denial that you don't even realise it!_

Rachel flinches, but doesn't back down.

_I'm not the one in denial, Quinn._

Quinn rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

_Leave. Before I slushie you, treasure trail._

Rachel frowns. She turns for a second, and Quinn feels her body relax as everything falls into the familiar, predictable routine they've grown accustomed to, until Rachel turns back around and marches right up to her.

_You kissed me, Quinn. Why?_

Quinn feels a jolt run through her body. She's pretty sure she should have moved, or come up with some bitchy reply by now, but her brain seems to have shut down.

_Do you...d-do you like me?_

Quinn laughs. It sounds nervous, and forced.

_What? I think you're hallucinating, Berry. No one would ever like a pathetic loser like you._

Rachel takes in a deep breath and her fists clench.

_You're just attacking me because you feel inadequate about yourself. But just so you know, no matter what you say to me, it's just sticks and stones, Quinn._

She stares at her, head on, and keeps her face serious even when she sees Quinn laughing, shuffling around awkwardly to the slushie machine, trying to grab one, and then, holding it up to her face, daring her to say another word. Rachel doesn't move.

_I'm not afraid of you Quinn. I think that deep down, you're afraid of yourself._

_Don't be ridiculous. I'm head cheerio and you're a loser, you're the one with everything to lose._

_I think you're afraid of yourself because you know that the real you has feelings, feelings that you can't control, and you don't like that._

_Shut up, Berry, or I'll slushie you._

But Rachel shook her head and easily removed the cup from Quinn's hand, placing it on the bench beside them. She saw Quinn flinch at her touch and stepped closer.

It was strange, because when Quinn flinched, it was like another person was flinching with her.

_No. You won't._

_Of course I won't, you're the prophet of McKinley. How can you be so sure, O great one?_

Quinn mocked.

_I just am._

_Do you think your act is gonna make me believe you're any less afraid of me Berry?_

She stepped closer and was surprised when Rachel didn't move back.

_I'm not afraid of you._

Quinn's expression faltered. Her eyes searched Rachel's for any sign of weakness, and her hands began to tremble like she didn't know what to do with them. They rose by themselves up towards Rachel's shoulders, tentatively gripping her sweater.

"You're not?"

Someone swallowed.

Rachel shook her head resolutely, feeling the strangest sense of déjà vu wash over her.

"Why?"

Quinn all but whispered, not breaking eye contact for a second.

Rachel had to steady her breathing-it was getting harder and harder to breathe with Quinn this close. She didn't know why. It just was.

_Because I can see through you._

Quinn's eyelids shut and she bit her lip. Slowly, Rachel felt her hands slide down her arms and around her back, so they were standing even closer together, almost but not quite yet an embrace.

"That's not possible."

Rachel felt each breath land evenly on her neck, leaving her skin tingling.

_Quinn...you don't have to be afraid anymore. Aren't you tired of running all the time?_

''I'm not running.''

Rachel lifted a hand to Quinn's cheek, and instantly Quinn's hands were disconnecting from her lower back, and she was stepping away.

_Don't. Don't let go. Please, don't run._

Rachel said quickly, grabbing one of Quinn's hands with her free one, squeezing tighter so it wouldn't take away the warm feeling she had begun to crave.

Quinn gasped, eyebrows furrowing like she didn't understand the command.

_I want you to hold me._

Rachel breathed, a nervous edge creeping into her voice. And then she felt Quinn's hands slowly finding their way back in place.

Finally she opened her eyes and stared deep, so deep into her eyes it felt like she could see her soul.

"Why?"

Rachel raised her hand to Quinn's cheek for the second time, watching her shiver again at the contact. This time, her hands stayed on her back, and Rachel took a final step closer.

_Because you wanna hold me too._

She said sincerely, and she could see in Quinn's eyes it was true. The sharp intake of breath, the pursed lips, her mouth, opening to say something-_anything,_ but failing, and then, her eyelids fluttering as her face leaned in closer towards her own until their lips were almost touching.

"I don't understand."

_What?_

Rachel said through half lidded eyes.

"I just don't understand."

Quinn said again, before she closed the gap and kissed her for the third time. Butterflies exploded from deep within the pit of her stomach, and fluttered up all the way to her throat. Rachel tilted her head, and it was just like magic. The tension in her body unravelled at last, and she couldn't seem to stop.

_It's unnatural, Quinnie. Promise me you'll try to forget these feelings?_

Pain seared through her head, and she tore herself away from Rachel. But Rachel wouldn't let go, and it scared her. God did it scare her.

_Rachel I...I can't do this. I...my Mom doesn't want...God doesn't want me to- _

_Quinn look at me._

Rachel's hands cupped her face and all she could do was sigh.

_I'm not supposed to feel this way._

She tried, and shook her head. But Rachel always had an answer for everything.

_Quinn...I want you to do something for me, ok?_

Quinn nodded.

_Be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, keep peace with your soul..._

Her eyes searched Quinn's face adoringly, her fingers stroking her cheek softly.

_...with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it's still a beautiful world._

Something inside Quinn started melting then. The iceberg encapsulating her heart shook, trembled like an earthquake, and when Rachel's forehead touched her own, it cracked.

_Strive to be happy._

Quinn's eyes filled to the brim until the tears escaped, and she found Rachel's lips again, desperate to keep loving this girl and never wanting to let her go, because if she did she might lose her and never find her again.

''Rachel...''

Another flash and they were laughing and smiling, tumbling in each other's arms without a care in the world, and Rachel was making goofy faces you couldn't stop giggling at if you tried.

_Quinn Fabray, you're messing up my bedsheets! _

_You're such a perfectionist._

_I most am certainly not! I just like my bedsheets to be kept neat at all times!_

Quinn snickered.

_Even when we're making out? Not possible, Rach._

She said, and began tickling her until she was roaring with laughter.

_N-Not...f-fair! You're...you'll have to make it up to me by meeting me in the bathroom everyday after school at 4pm for my daily fix!_

_Hmm, so you admit you're addicted to me?_

''Rachel...''

Rachel was standing at the altar, looking expectantly at the doors down the aisle. She looked so beautiful in her white dress. All the people were smiling, they were happy to be there too. She beamed when she saw the doors opening, and then it felt like something was whole again, like the last piece of the puzzle had been locked in place, because suddenly it didn't feel like a movie anymore. Someone gasped, and then Rachel's hands were intertwined with the person standing at the altar with her, and they both cried as they recited their vows because they couldn't believe that this was finally happening. When Rachel leaned in and kissed the person standing opposite her, it all came back.

She remembered. Remembered why she'd come here. Remembered who she was, and everything she'd been through-everything.

She was Quinn. And the other girl was Rachel. Her Rachel.

But the flashes weren't over yet. This time, there was no white. Everyone was dressed in black, and they were crying.

_Don't be sad, Mom. Mommy's gone to a better place. She's with God now._

Fresh tears streamed down her eyes at the memory, and she felt herself grow unsteady, her knees begin to give way. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair because she'd gotten better at it and she hadn't been mean to Rachel ever again, not since that day in the bathroom she had told her to be happy, and even though she knew that no matter how much she apologised it would never erase what she'd done, she was still sorry.

''It's not fair!''

But life isn't fair.

Quinn Fabray opens her eyes and she feels a dull aching pain when her back makes contact with cold tile.

''Rachel...you said you'd be here. It's already 4:35. You're lat-''

Her heart is seized up and she's on the floor, flailing her arms around. Her eyes open and there are hands and faces and people in white coats fussing around her, shouting commands, enraged that patient Fabray escaped from the nursing home again, and then she's screaming and telling them to leave her alone, because she's remembered again, and she's just so tired of the tranquilisers, because they make her forget, and she just doesn't want to forget Rachel Berry again because-

everytime the needle pricks her skin it hurts less and less.


End file.
